When we started telling people that we were expecting again, one person made the following comment: “Maybe you’ll get lucky this time and have a boy!”
I know that she wasn’t meaning anything by it. I know she was just making conversation. I know that this was her way of saying congratulations. But, people, I still felt like she punched me in the gut. And when I saw my two “unlucky” precious blessings, I gave them extra hugs. Because whether she meant it that way or not, by saying that a boy = lucky, she is implying that a girl = unlucky. And although she may not have even thought that, I’m grateful my girls weren’t there to hear it. I don’t want them to think of themselves as anything but a gift straight from Heaven.
When I went in for my initial ultrasound, the tech asked if this was my first. I told her that I have 2 little girls. She began clapping her hands like a 3 year old at a birthday party during cake time and hollering “Oh, let’s hope this is a boy!” Then, during the exam, she spent an extra few minutes poking around the 9 1/2 week fetus to see if she could figure out if it was, indeed, a boy. Now, I’ve never been trained in ultrasound technology, but I am pretty sure that there’s nothing to see on a 9 1/2 week fetus to indicate gender.
I know she was just trying to be nice & make conversation. I know she held no unpleasant feelings towards my daughters. I know her words were just empty conversation. Still, I was really frustrated and peeved. Mostly because it was one of those infernal internal ultrasounds and no woman wants to spend any extra time undergoing that procedure while the ultrasound tech tries vainly to determine if I’m going to be “lucky” and have a boy. (There’s that word again….!) So, when I go in to have the big gender-reveal ultrasound & we see it’s a boy, will she throw a party? But if it’s a girl, will she be bummed out and make ridiculous comments about our need to try again? I’m heading both of those scenarios off at the pass — I’ve requested a different ultrasound tech from here on out.
I’ve had numerous other people say, “Oh, you must want a boy,” or “Trying for a boy, huh?” or “Watch out, you might have another girl!” *sigh* I’ll tell you that I was polite, but quick to say that any child is a blessing and we’ll be grateful for either gender that God gives us.
I wrote before about the reaction I had when we found out Peanut was a girl and since then I’ve had many conversations with all-girl moms and all-boy moms about the same thing. If you’ve got all girls and get pregnant, people make comments about the fact that you *must* want a boy. If you’ve got all boys and get pregnant, people assume you must have only been trying for a girl. And if you get the same gender as you have, you’ll have to try again. I’ve also heard from many mamas who have a girl and a boy, so when they get pregnant a 3rd time, people ask why.
I also want to know why… Why do we as a culture have this preconceived idea that a family is only complete when there are both male & female children? Do I want a boy? Sure. That would be fun. We’d play trucks and Legos and cowboys and it would be a blast. But, is my life diminished if I have a third girl? No way! I’d also love to have another girl! If we have another girl, that will also be a blast! We’ll play even more dress-up and paint even more toenails and get even more dollies. How can I, as a human, make the choice about who’s best for our family? God’s already chosen what this baby’s gender is. He knows what He wants our little household to look like. We’ve just decided to accept with joy whoever He sends.
Now, I know that some people really, really want children of both genders. I am not judging a mom or dad who crosses their fingers and hopes that the ultrasound shows a ____ in there. I’m addressing the people who make statements assessing value or desirability to a certain gender, especially when they have no relationship with the parents at all. (Ultrasound lady, I’m talking to you….) I’m addressing any person who reacts with disappointment or a comment about trying again or anything but joy when a mother reveals their child’s gender. Even if you meet a woman who has 4 boys and is pregnant with boy #5 or a woman with a van full of girls and who is pregnant with another girl, the only response should be “How wonderful! What a blessing!” Never: “Well, you can try again,” “Better luck next time,” or (the WORST in my opinion) “Well, maybe you can adopt and that way you’ll get the ____ you want.” (Because that’s what adoption is for…. picking & choosing what type of kid you want.)
All of this to say: We find out Friday afternoon if we will have a floor full of little cars or another drawer full of hair bows in our future. And either way I am thrilled & excited. I just want to say he or she and start thinking of names. And Raylo feels the same way I do. In fact, the only people in the house who have an opinion on the matter are the little ones. Both girls have stated that they will help feed the baby, hold the baby, and play with the baby – but only if it’s a girl. Since they are not old enough to read this post or understand what I’m talking about, I’ll let them off the hook for their opinion. They are only 3 & 4 anyway. (Which leads me to another pet peeve…. why do people have to make comments about the spacing of my children?!?! But I’ll save that for another day…. You’re welcome….)
kate
April 27, 2012 at 12:03 am
well i’ll be the first to tell you that 3 girls IS a BLESSING! (at least for now! come middle school, i may ship them all to you!) i think a house full of pink is wonderful! i’m happy to have my little man, too, but i agree…they are ALL a blessing. however, you can stress everyone out and have fun with it and not find out! no one is going to show disappointment once that new little peanut is here! good luck, woman! i can’t wait to hear about your precious gift!
Mandi B a.k.a. mab
April 27, 2012 at 12:14 am
I have SERIOUSLY thought about keeping it on the downlow! But, people would figure it out because they’d either see me doing nothing to prepare (meaning: it’s a girl. I have everything) or furiously buying boy clothes (meaning: it’s a boy. I have nothing)…. I think I’d give it away. 🙂 Your 3 girls and 1 boy are all beautiful gifts!
blueclouds
April 27, 2012 at 12:17 am
Or you could have a girl and have trucks and Legos and cowboys. 🙂 (Says the girl who never played dolls or bows or dress-up!) And that would be fine too!
I grew up with three older brothers, as the only girl, and many people teased my mom about “kept trying till you got it right, huh?” and such. Annoyed her to no end! (Tho I admit to using that line on my older brothers when we argued….) 😉
Ash
April 27, 2012 at 1:17 am
Well, I’m secretly hoping for a boy. I mean, then you could stop! Only teasing….about the 2nd part. I love my girl & I love my boy! I wanted a boy after H, but was terrified I wouldn’t know what to do w/ him. I am so glad I have both & now I’m the crazy one that wants a 3rd. I mean, why? I have a boy & a girl right?!?! Lol Funny thing is if we have #3 I would like another girl. I have a good name picked out & everything. There are very few cool boy names. 😉 Plus then C wouldn’t just be the middle kid. Hed still have his “only boy” status. I know! I’m strange! 😉
jilanbil
April 27, 2012 at 5:35 am
People ARE quite rude, aren’t they?
Last night, someone asked me why my husband (50) has such a young child (7)! Huh? “Is that really any of your business how God chose the timing for us to marry and have children? ” I didn’t say that, but now I wish I had.
People don’t mean to be insensitive and rude…but they are. And I’ve probably said MY share of offensive baby gender comments too, now that I think about it.
Anyway, you are right. 3 babies=3 blessings! And that’s all!
caseylee74
April 27, 2012 at 8:00 am
Ok, this really stopped me in my tracks. I think I’ve probably said these things to you!!!! And never gave it another thought! Of course I know you would love boy or girl, either one! I guess, I , selfishly, think everyone should get the chance to experience a boy and girl both. But know that no matter what, it’ll be loved!!!! I will never say those things again because now I know how they can be taken. PS….can’t wait to find out what you’re having!!!!!
Your favorite brother!
April 27, 2012 at 10:54 am
Just let me know so that I can start picking out the name for you and Raylo!
theANG
April 27, 2012 at 10:54 am
I was terrified at the gender revealing ultrasound. I already understood my baby boy and the thought of a girl scared me but now I wouldn’t take anything for my Love Bug. What was annoying was all of the comments about how we had our boy and girl so our family was complete. I still don’t know if we’re done, why did other people think they knew!?
Congrats on the 3rd baby!
Ashley
April 27, 2012 at 2:40 pm
AMEN sister!
jmalcoleman
April 27, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Sweet mommy I GET YOU! When I was preggo with #3 everyone said we MUST be praying for a boy bc we had two girls….AGH! My hubby is the last male in his family so when some people found out we were having a boy…they only said ” Good! Your family name will go on!” Didn’t ask if the baby was healthy or not. I would get irate at people who would go on and on about how great it would be if we got “our boy” right in front of my daughters…I just smiled and told them how wonderful little girls were. We had a waitress who acted like your tech..minus the prodding…when we were eating out for my daughter’s birthday. She didn’t get a tip. Thank you for putting this into words so kindly…I was never able to!
Karen Dickinson
April 27, 2012 at 3:12 pm
Well, one thing’s for sure, when we enter this realm of parenting, suddenly everyone has an opinion and they are not afraid to share it! When I tell people we are DONE having children, they’re like, you don’t want to try for a girl? Um… you’d have to want a third CHILD because there is no guarantee! (and honestly, I think I’d prefer a third boy anyhow) But I’ve learned I have to just let the stuff people say roll off my back. Families are just as unique as the people in them (no matter what gender!) and we can choose to be content with what we’ve found works best for us OR get all worked up over what other people have to say about it. 🙂
GeekLady
April 27, 2012 at 5:07 pm
I think this stems from the current, modern notion that babies are just things. There’s no concept of babies as people, with all their enriching individuality. They are objects, to come when called (or else) and to stay away otherwise (or else). Accessories, to round out their life’s experience. Variety becomes the only reason to have more than one, and if you end up with Rerun, well, better luck next time.
But our children don’t belong to us, and they don’t come just because we want them. Comments along these lines are an insult to the integrity of parents who love and welcome their children as the people that they are.
Even when someone has a strong preference on having a boy or a girl, it’s my observation that such a strong preference stems mostly from how the parent imagined their life as a parent would be. I know my preferences do. And sometimes these imaginings don’t come to pass, but that doesn’t make you love the children you do have any less.
Skooks
April 28, 2012 at 7:12 pm
When I got pregnant for the third time, people were a bit weird to me too. I already had a girl and a boy . . . why keep going? It must be a mistake . . . you must be the “oops” baby. Well . . . first of all, it was not an oops and we really don’t have preference of genders and why does everyone feel the need to comment on all this stuff?? I have run into plenty of moms though who have both a boy and girl who say things like, “i’m so glad i already have one of each so i can stop!” like it’s a mandate to have both? Weird. Anyway, I already saw the reveal post that you’re having a boy (congrats!), but I wanted to comment on this post b.c it definitely struck a chord with me.
ussleah
May 4, 2012 at 9:00 am
Congratulations! I agree on all fronts! We are pregnant with our second and I think we head all these comments of at the pass by not finding out the gender and when asked telling people, “We hope it is a baby!” For our Christian friends, I say, “I hope it is a baby we get to take home and hold in our arms.” We lost our first one and so we are blessed no matter what the Lord gives us.
Since we are being surprised again, what we have to deal with are all the people (men and women) who immediately start sizing me up and giving their boy/girl opinion *unsolicited, I might add*.