Two weeks from today we will sign the papers for our Magic House. What’s that? You didn’t know I was buying a Magic House? Why, yes! We are!

After making an offer for this seemingly-normal suburban dwelling, I found myself thinking “I will be able to cook with so much more ease in my new kitchen! After all, my current kitchen is less than 35 square feet (true!) and the future kitchen is much more than that. I will begin to cook again all the time!”

 The next day, my wonderful hubby remarked that we would be delightfully free of clutter once we moved to our new home. After all, the toys will be put in the playroom and in the girls rooms and we will be able to keep our main living areas free of the detritus of childhood. We will defeat clutter! We simply have to move into our new home!

When I was working on a sewing project and once again had to spend 30 minutes cleaning up and placing all sharp objects on very high shelves to keep little hands away, I remembered the upcoming office that I would have. Suddenly I realized: “In the new house, I won’t have to put away a project if I don’t finish it! I can leave it out for another day. I will get so many projects done! I will make enough quilts to cover all of our beds, the beds of all of our friends, and maybe even the entire world!”

Will wonders ever cease?

I knew that something was responsible for the future cooking, future lack of clutter, and future quilt sprees I would enjoy. While some have suggested that it is merely deluded fancy, I am certain that our future home is already speaking it’s magic to us. Once we move in, there will certainly be other magic benefits! I am sure that before we have lived in our home a fortnight, the following occurrences will have occurred:

* I will cook healthy dinners each night and the children will happily eat them without calling anything “UCKY!” or demanding a cookie. Their most-requested dishes will be unsalted, steamed green veggies.

* I will become a master decorator and so amaze my family, neighbors, and the general public with my ability to coordinate paint, hand-made (by me! in all my infinite time!) curtains, and furnishings that I will probably end up on Oprah or HGTV or something.

* I will furnish my house entirely from thrift stores and garage sales, including a sale that I will happen upon where a wealthy eccentric person has decided to sell all of his furnishings for $10. And he will never have used them.

* I will lose all of my baby weight and then some because I will have amazing amounts of time to exercise and will no longer fall victim to the siren song of the Cadbury Creme Egg or its equally delicious, but still nefarious, non-Easter chocolate counterparts.

* My children will adhere firmly to my discipline and we will no longer need to put them in Time Out because they will jump at the opportunity to obey me at my first whisper.

* My flowerbeds will overflow with bounty and beauty and will not have any weeds, bugs, or dead plants. I will also be able to work in this garden effortlessly and always in pleasant weather and while clouds shade me from the mild and gentle sun. The lawn will never need to be watered, mown, or fertilized.

* I will have the time to do all of these activities as well as repaint or refinish most of my current mis-matched furniture, build a preschool dream playroom that is thematically-based and educationally sound, stencil entire walls, find amazing and life-changing volunteer opportunities, sit out on the patio each night with a glass of hand-squeezed lemonade and watch my children frolic and play with their new-found friends, wear make-up every day and a ponytail only when stylistically necessary, find delightful women to be friends with — whose husbands will be RayRay’s friends and whose children will be the same age and have the same interests as mine — and form a reading circle, keep my house clean and my floors swept, and get 8 hours of sleep each night.

And all of that before Bean’s preschool starts in the fall. How? Why, it’s Magic! Simply because I am moving in the Magic House and it’s so much easier to put all of my hopes, dreams, desires, and whims on an inanimate object like a house instead of having realistic expectations and dealing with any of my own issues or insecurities. Who needs all of that? I have a Magic House and I can already hear the Bippiti-Boppiti-Boo!