I’ve often checked the ClustrMap on the sidebar of my blog that shows where all of you people live. I know it’s not terribly accurate because my husband checked my blog when he left the country, but instead of a dot showing up in the Middle East, Germany registered a hit. And, a friend who lives way over in the eastern part of Asia checks the blog, but there are no dots there. Still, there are a lot of other dots that are unaccounted for. Who are you people? And, what drives you to read my daily(ish) drivel?

I lurk on some blogs, myself. Some of those blogs are friends of friends. Some are people I used to know, but have lost contact with. However, I never knew them well enough to pop on their blog and say “Hey! I randomly found you through so-and-so’s blog and now I read about you and your new kid.” That might be freaky.

But, back to me. A friend once told me that controversy on a blog is what drives up daily readership. I tried to foment a revolution (much better than controversy, I think) with the whole Steve-has-a-doppelganger post and the presentation of Negro cookies as a contest prize. No real change. Next, I tried to strike the chords of salaciousness with posts about Naked Town, nude Hittite Fertility Goddesses, and Beyonce-like Bootie Shakin’. This too, seemed to have no effect.

I noticed that the blogs I read that get the most attention are blogs where people put cute videos up about their cute kids. Here’s the cute baby smiling, here’s the cute baby walking, here’s the cute baby eating sand…. people love that stuff. (Myself included, when we’re talking about my particular cute nieces and nephews!) Then, I began going through the most often read posts on my blog to see what you people like to read most. The answer: posts about dairy products or medical conditions where I name cysts or thyroids. I let these ideas ferment within my brain for a few days before I had an ephiphany: I should find something that causes me to write a lot about babies, milk, and medical stuff. That would really get the daily hits-a-goin’ and increase my blog readership internationally!

So, I’ve decided to have a baby. It’s due in July. Right now, according to the sonogram, it’s the size of a lima bean. (There! I have met condition #1: write about babies.) Because I am pregnant, I will be drinking a lot of milk. Milk is good for babies and mommies. Later, there will be more about milk, but I don’t think any of you want me to blog about it. (Condition #2: Done!) Now, for the medical stuff: Cicero (the cyst) must have left a manifesto for my right ovary to read and join the revolution.(Apparently he is better at fomenting than I am.) I now have two more cysts. One is small and “insignifiant” according to the doctors. The other is 6.5 cm. That’s a lot freakin’ bigger than Cicero ever got. And, I wasn’t pregnant when we were dealing with Cicero. I’ve talked to my doctor here in my city and up in the Big City. They’ve both said it’s not a problem at this point in my pregnancy, but that we’ll just keep monitoring it. I also checked a million websites and, apparently, they are right. (I think this more than amply fills condition #3! Now I’ll sit back and watch the “blog stats” tick tick tick away!)

Why should I care about blog stats? I don’t. Much. Not really. It is fun to see how many of you people I’ve scammed into reading my randomness. And, maybe if I decide to write the Great American Novel or set out to really change the world, this will be a good starting platform. Who knows. And, once the baby arrives, then I’ll have people to show all of our cute pictures and videos to.

As for naming things, Cliff once requested the priveledge of naming my firstborn. While I continue to decline that request, I will offer something else. Cliff, you may name my two new cysts. You may decide on your own or have a poll on your blog or whatever. That should help you with your readership as well. (Boy blogs apparently thrive on elements of grossness. If naming my cysts isn’t gross, I’m not sure what is.)

So, there’s the news. I’m due 07/07/07. I’m glad it’s not 1 year, 1 month, & 1 day earlier.