Please begin the drumrolls or the Olympic theme songs. We have the winners of the contest and their prizes.

In the contest to create a scientific-sounding name for an aching bellybutton, we have a tie. (I’ll explain why in a moment.) Both Britty and Ms. Dickinson win with their entries of “vexatious venter” and “nefarious nittering navel,” respectively. Why should they tie? Because the prize is too big to be shared by one person.

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It’s called keshvet and it’s made in gigantic pots in the village any time there’s a celebration. It tastes like a cross between chicken and dumplings and lamb-flavored oatmeal. So, ladies, get your spoons and enjoy your prize!
Now, onto the sentence contest. Everyone is a winner in this contest. First off (and no, I didn’t say first place), is the person who wins the “Thanks for Trying, but Your Entry Isn’t Really a Sentence” prize. His entry was this:

“This summer while I was fully ambulatory (which is not something I can say for my possibly inebriated friends) we went to a circumlocution party, oh wait, I think was a circumcision party, anyways, one of the guys there reminded me of Jim Carrey in Liar Liar when he used that line “He’s a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious ***, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking” and several other quotes of his which I am sure you don’t want to hear about and in fact there should some kind of moratorium on any further enumeration(s) of Jim Carrey quotes so as to not cause any more puffery on my linguistic adeptness and I should simply terminate this sentence by saying one last thing and that is, I enjoyed the clipy clip party (the erstwhile comment reminds me of another person who is skilled at verbal exchanges of information and that is a student of Teresa’s named Loquacious, or maybe it is actually LaPrecious, but it does not remind me of Steve because he just uses Word’s thesaurus and generally piffles when he speaks)!”

(Dang, that was one long run-on fragment!) Anyhow, Cliff the Crazy Squirrel is the winner of the following prize:

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That’s right. Cliff gets culturally insensitive cookies! No, they aren’t culturally insensitive over here. People don’t know what “negro” means. Kind of like how we don’t have any idea what “oreo” means. That could be a very bad racial slur in Chinese, for all we know. Cliff, enjoy your prize.

Next, we have the third place winner. Her sentence, which included some acceptable flattery for the mabster, is as follows:

“I don’t mean to bring puffery upon myself (and quite the enumeration it would be) so forgive my circumlocution that may very well be nothing more than piffle when I say that while I did not get inebriated in NYC, I was fully ambulatory and returned to find that my pedantic friend would reward those who did not place a moratorium on pretentious contests that might lead to extreme mischance and disappointment for so many and unbridled triumph for others who have been exposed to many years of her impeccable linguistics.”

For many years Britty has been the winner of the “I Know the Most About mab and Still I’m Her Friend and I Don’t Tell All of Her Dirt Even After She Tells People About that Dinner at Olive Garden after Youth Group One Night” award for years. Now, in addition, to that honor, she has received the following prize for her piffle:

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That’s right! A lovely figurine of a bride & groom! This figurine is in mint condition — at least, it’s in the same condition as when I acquired it. I think the chip in the groom’s head is supposed to be there. It has some artistic meaning or something. So, Brit, clean off a spot on the mantel for your prize and wear the mantle of superior loquaciousness in reward for your efforts.

The next prize, as promised, can not be shown in a photograph. But, I’m getting ahead of myself. The second-place sentence, written by Lydia, was chosen because she managed to mix the two vocabulary contests that were going on. She used words from this contest, but followed up on the train of thought she began on Papa Steve’s contest. This effort demands a special prize. So, in her honor, I offer to you the following haiku.

Going Commando: A Haiku

Shouldn’t have worn jeans

With their chafing discomfort.

I must do laundry.

Bravo to you, Lydia!

 

Now, the drumroll, please!

The following participant got bonus points for being the first participant, re-submitting his sentence with bonus words in it, and then starting his own contest on his own blog. Now, I’m not just awarding Papa Steve the prize in hopes that he’ll name me the winner on his contest, I was also truly entertained by his sentence:

“One day, while inebriated (against mama’s wishes, as she had requested a moratorium on my alcohol consumption), yet oddly enough fully ambulatory, I was reading an erstwhile pedantic blog which, through the liberal use of circumlocution and loquaciousness, contained the enumeration of certain words which the author asked to be used in a sentence. So I did.”

Yes, it’s two sentences, and yes, he does call my blog pedantic, but he still wins the following coveted prize:

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What is it? Why, it’s a Hittite Fertility Goddess Necklace! This lovely, hand-crafted ceramic necklace sports and image of an ancient Hittite Goddess. When I first saw it, I thought it was a vase or an artistically-done snail or something. Then, I noticed that the dots at the top are eyes and the knots were tied in a strategic location. Sorry that Papa Steve is the one who gets this prize (I know you girls are thinking of having a blog cat-fight to wrench it away from him), but this was the best thing I got. So, it must go to the winner.

In addition to the Hittite Fertility Goddess Necklace (like there needs to be anything added to that!), I’m officially changing the name of my blog to “PAPA STEVE IS BODACIOUSLY LOQUACIOUS” for a week, starting tomorrow. There, now that’s a real prize to covet. Sure, you can’t put it up on the mantel, but you can show all your buddies at work.

 

The last contest was where I asked for a name for the type of person who starts contests on his/her blog just to increase the number of comments. Since no one entered this particular portion of the contest, no one wins. That means I get to keep the prize I bought. It’s a good thing, too. I’ve been wanting one of these….

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